


great heights

by stillmadaboutpetra



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Character Study, Levi's POV, icarus theme
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-31
Updated: 2014-07-31
Packaged: 2018-02-11 05:05:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2054724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stillmadaboutpetra/pseuds/stillmadaboutpetra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Levi considers his relationship with Erwin and the way wings drag him down.</p>
            </blockquote>





	great heights

**Author's Note:**

> This was in my eruri drabbles buttt icarus is my favorite and I feel strongly about these parallels so I kinda want people to read it I dunno

Authorities in charge considered anything before Titans forbidden. Heretical, blasphemous and punishable. When Erwin mentioned reading old myths from ages before the world had shrunk to this struggling cell, it really didn't surprise me that Erwin possessed forbidden knowledge, probably had a horde of books under a floorboard somewhere like a fat rat packing for winter. Erwin, lining the wood beneath him with proof and motivation.

"Am I reaching for too much," he said aloud, and though I was the only one in his office, I didn't think he spoke to me. "I'm not. We have to, don't we, Levi? Reach for the sun even if we fall?"

And because he said my name I fluffed up my feathers, irritated. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Icarus." He looked over, cheek pillowed on his face. Not even thirty and looking so weary. War did that. "It's an old old story. A man, Daedalus, was trapped on an island he'd been brought to to build a huge labrynth. To escape, he crafted wings of feather and wax -- wait, Levi, " he hushed me when I opened my beak to complain about idiots. But I settled down and let him finish.

"Daedalus warned his son Icarus not to fly too close to the sun or the wax would melt and he'd fall into the ocean."

"Let me guess, the little bastard flew into the sun and drowned."

"Yes."

And Erwin sat here pondering if he was flying too high. "You're not Icarus." The simplification repulsed me; Erwin could see it on my face.

"I haven't decided that for myself yet."

It wasn't about reaching for too much but falling. Erwin believed to an absolute in this cause, in reclaiming the land beyond the walls. Liberating humanity so we didn't starve and mold inside this shithole. Erwin and every true believer, every Legion soldier wanted more for and from this world than the priests in the cathedrals.

"This war will kill me, Levi," Erwin confessed quietly.

"I know." I didn't mean to say it. Erwin smiled. "Join the party," I tacked on, bile bubbled in the back of my throat. Erwin and his god damn mumbling, thinking aloud. He'd roped me into this, he always did. I brought him tea for the evening hour and the bastard made me his secret keeper.

"Everyonse dies, at least we're being useful," I snapped to cover my horror and stalked forward, gathering the empty cracked china and let it clatter onto the tray. Erwin tried to stop me from leaving but I couldn't -couldn't be around him.

Icarus. He fell into the sea. I'd piss myself in excitement to feel such a wonder fill my lungs. Lucky fuck.

 ~~~

I still couldn't figure out why Erwin insisted on dragging me along to military counsel meetings.

"You set a good atmosphere," he said. He always spoke slower when he was teasing, like he thought you might miss the joke. I gave him my best unamused face, but before the twinkle in his eyes could snuff out I whispered "ambiance," and caught him quieting a smile.

It was the last hint of humanity on him once the meeting began. I stood at Erwin's shoulder where he sat because those pissstains wrapped in embroidered jackets forgot to get me a chair. But routine meetings only lasted two hours at most, covering small affairs and pretending that the military units operated under some measure of cohesiveness.

Erwin stretched as the counsel concluded, arms above his head and a yawn. Must not have slept well last night, but did he ever? None of us did. "Ah, the highlight of my month."

"You're lucky only I witnessed that dog yawn of yours." He all but winked and flicked my cravat. Hearing less than five indirect insults to you and your Legion counted as a good meeting, and he stirred with something playful.

"The Archbishop has submitted another proposition that church members should be allowed to direct the use of their taxes."

"Overstepping their bounds a bit, don't you think? "

"Yes, but they don't want to support those heathen Legion soldiers. It's such a waste. If that became a law, I'd go to church more often."

I wouldn't have two gossipping clerks ruin Erwin's mood. "Cover your mouth when you start shitting."

Erwin told me to be polite and I reminded him that's not what he paid me for. Wrong thing to say. I always said the wrong fucking thing.

He sobered, eyes hardening. "That's true. You can't be polite for what I need you for." Swear to god he looked like he might apologize, but we both knew he'd ask it again and ask more of me. I stormed off only to have him call me back.

"Wait, Levi. I'm-"

"Don't you dare apologize. For anything. " We stood frozen in the corridor for what felt like an eternity before Erwin put his hand on my arm, hiding the Scouting Legion emblem.

"I'm not sorry that I have you with me, that you wear these wings of freedom." He didn't sound sorry, but I knew it was a modification. He was sorry for some things, but we all have a little guilt.

"You'd be lost without me. Now come on, I'm clenching to keep from crapping my pants." It appropriately ruined the mood as planned and Erwin sighed through his nose. I thought I heard him whisper "ambiance."

 ~~~~

It was a mistake to ask him. What Erwin said stuck in my head. Erwin's words always stayed stuck in my head. "If I die, will you blame yourself?" I always assumed I'd die first, the one in the fray now the most.

Erwin put his tea down but I didn't. I hid my regret behind the rim. "Would you blame me?" he countered. I shrugged. I was shit at consoling him.

"It isn't your fault. It wouldn't be," I decided. "I won't haunt you." My soul needed a few hundred years of sleep.

"Soldiers don't tend to blame me," he said. "It's their families. And everyone else." He picked up his tea again. It was never Erwin's fault. It had never been Shadis' either. As long as Erwin kept fighting for the future and held true...

"Do you still blame yourself," he asked, interupting my thoughts. I knew instantly what he referred to. The dying light slanted in through the window and put a halo of white around his golden hair, and made my glare turn into a squint as it shone into my eyes.

"Don't ask me that," I said, and he never did again.

~~~ 

When we returned from a mission, it was the usual parade. A few believers, children, disapproving bystanders and those searching for faces. It never went well. Someone always lost. A young woman wailed and put herself in Erwin's way. But this was Erwin, so he dismounted and pulled his horse out of the way and told Hanji to keep going.

No way would I leave him alone with this crowd.

The woman, rabid for grief, screamed at Erwin. She moved to slap him, but Erwin wasn't the kind of man to let himself be slapped. I wouldn't stand him if he was. He caught her hands and held them tight, and because it was Erwin, told this woman all about her lover. Knew exactly who he was, that Erwin was proud to have had his service.

He left her still crying, a gathering of mixed opinions around her, and climbed atop his mount. We were only just far enough back that the end of the parade in was just outof sight. Erwin said nothing as I followed him, but I saw new lines too his face, the deepness of his frown.

He let me into his room that night, a little confused, wary. I didn't understand the wariness but barged into his bedroom like I had a right. A lone candle on the bedside flickered, but the blankets had yet to be rumpled. Erwin had been pacing.

"In any interpretation, do people blame his father?"

"Levi, what are you talking about?" Erwin might not have been in bed but he was dressed for it, long underwear and bare chested. Even his medallion gone, and that made him look nakeder than anything.

"Di-do or whatever, the father. Icarus."

"Daedalus?" His confusion turned to waiting curiosity.

"Yeah him. Does Icarus blame him, or did you when you read it?"

"I can't say I did. We're meant to blame Icarus for his own death. Hubris." He saw my face and clarified. "Pride."

"That's what I thought. Daedalus gave Icarus his means of escape, the chance at freedom, and gave him warning. I would die in the sea before rotting on an island and be thankful."

Erwin inhaled, blinking with recognition. I stood so stiff and sharp under his gaze. It felt like all my weight had gone to my toes, should I need to spring to action.

"Oh," he said at last.

"Okay?" I demanded and he nodded. "Get some sleep, Erwin."

I turned and caught sight of his golden back before he turned to close the door. I expected to see something there, jagged scars, but only the bruises from gear greeted my gaze, unremarkable. Erwin paused after he faced me, me on the outside of the threshold and he gripping the door.

"Levi." He said it softly, breathed after. Then he leaned down and kissed the corner of my mouth, scalding me with his gentleness. I waited. He cupped my face in his warm hands and kissed me again until a fire set inside me, until I clung to him, his hot naked shoulders, and he held me aloft in his arms and closed the door behind us with a click of finality.

~~~ 

I packed my bag with full attention. Folded each article of clothing precisely, brought my sharpest knife, spare bandages, an extra canteen, matches, flint. Soap. Erwin watched me, jaw locked, while I ignored him. I forgave him for my squad, for that bitch Titan girl frozen in crystal. I forgave him because he needed me to forgive him. Only I could absolve him, approve him. I was his keeper, keeper of everything, his heart. His humanity. At least I thought so.

He watched me struggle over my bag, seethe. "Levi."

"No. No!" I whirled on him, him resting in his bed, our bed, arm an aching wound. "You could have told me." I'd shaved him an hour ago, dead silent, barely able to look at him. But he needed it, blonde whiskers too rough.

"It was only suspicions, I never knew for sure."

"You didn't tell me about the Female Titan and you didn't tell me that they were humans." If it ever got out, I'd be a mass murderer. They could be people like Eren, good people and trapped. Stupid monsters.

"I spared you."

"From what?" It hurt to look at him. My ankle throbbed. This war would kill us. Piece by piece. I meant to laugh but it sounded broken, thick. A sob that died behind my teeth and I swallowed it, piece by piece.

"I wanted to spare you," And maybe he did but he also needed me without hesitations.

"I didn't expect mercy when I followed you." The war had changed. Monsters in disguise at any turn, and a power within these walls cutting us down. I sat on the edge of the bed and he sat up a little more, tried to make space. I wavered, sea sick on emotions, and tipped to fall beside him. He touched me with his only hand, and he revolted me and I loved him still. Of course. And I would kill, Titans or people, because there was no turning back. There was freedom on the horizon if we could only make it that much longer.

"I wish I could give it, to you most of all," he said, another secret to weigh me down. His regret.

"I never needed it."

Erwin had been the bright leader I chose to follow, to cast a shadow behind. To die for, his words and dreams, the same dream I had now. Living was a nightmare. I closed my eyes and let him touch my upturned face, memorizing it for perhaps the last time. I blinked when he touched my eyelashes with his thumb. He was touching the wet crease of a tear, followed it as it bled to my ear. Behind my eyelids, Erwin's face held in shuddering white, superimposed. Eyes open or closed, he managed to blind me.

**Author's Note:**

> Erwin is the Sun


End file.
